Riding In A Winter Wonderland....

Christmas was a grand affair this year, complete with a Christmas Day riding session that began with my horse greeting me happily in his stall and ended with me, once again, standing back and admiring the beauty that is my horse.

I haven't ridden in nearly two months, due to work and school and needing to take naps every day and that sort of thing. I've felt terribly guilty, and I've spent a fair portion of my time standing in Zydo's stall, apologizing to him for the neglect he faces each day. But Zydo is an incredibly understanding guy, and so when I mounted him for the first time, he didn't bat an eye, and instead did everything I asked him to do without question.

I rode him again on the 26th, and once more he was perfect for me. By the time I got off, I was drenched with sweat and he had hardly broken into a state of slight dampness.

I have to say once more here, that I love my horse and that there is nothing in this world that could come between us. And I have to ask, is is so wrong of me to spend my time standing in his stall, singing out loud the words the Bee Gees sang so well, telling him that he don't know what it's like... to love somebody... the way I love you...

And as I sang this morning, he licked my palm and nibbled on the collar of my plaid jacket, and as I scratched behind his ears and felt his velevty nose rub into my cheek, I thought once more that everything could perhaps be right in this world, no matter what. No matter what boys or life or sickness or health might bring my way, I have this horse who loves me and who, upon meeting a certain boy, will stop at nothing to ensure that this certain boy's head is no longer afffixed to his shoulders.

And I have to say that there is something wonderful in having my horse stand up for me the way no one else ever has; in knowning that he's got my back and he's willing to put up with my endless errors and at the end of the day?

He still lets me sing him love songs and scratch behind his ears.

On Again, Off Again, On Again, Off Again...

Last week, I posted about an individual I've been spending time with, about how I decided to no longer spend time with him because I have issues dating people. Unfortunately, we work together, and last Sunday we were stuck under the same roof for a consecutive twenty seven hours. Our cars were both wedged into snow banks over three feet high, I hadn't taken my CrazyMeds in two days, and my boss strongly suspected that both of us were close to losing it.

He, not knowing that we had decided to stop spending time together, told us to help ourselves to his car, and get our crazed and maniacal persons AWAY from the crazed and maniacal teenagers that he was about to spend the day with. So, we went, in the same car, exhausted and not talking, feeling slightly like death, to his apartment.

I'm sure that in some people's lives, the story that follows would involve passionate kissing and make-up making out, candle light and tears flowing freely. In MY story, however, it involved me getting to his apartment, curling up in a ball on his couch, and passing out because my brain was TRYING TO CRAWL OUT OF MY EARS. That's what happens when I don't take my meds, my organs simply try to escape my body and I feel like I'm going to die.

He was supposed to return me to work after my brief nap, where I could work yet another shift and then go home to my bed. Unfortunately, I wasn't yet very coherent, and I was convinced that I would show up at work, slap each of the children silly, swear at my boss, and quit for good. At the time, it seemed like a perfectly sensible plan; but this boy had different ideas.

His idea involved buying me beer, setting me up with jammies in front of the television and a high speed internet connection, and allowing me to veg out in silence, where I was not at risk for assaulting those who came into contact with me.

Clearly, he is a clever, clever man.

Ever since I lost my mind last fall, I have been very cautious about doing anything to my personal life that may cause me to lose sleep or points on the Amanda Sanity Meter. So, I haven't dated people because, even though I've met nice people, the idea of a breakup or any relationship turmoil kind of makes me want to throw up.

I've been in a really good place mentally and physically for the last year. I've been mostly sane and rational, mostly able to cope with the stressors of every day life. You know, those things you do every day, like putting on pants or washing your hair, that are just downright impossible when you're living in the depths of emotional hell.

I suppose that the main fear I have is that I don't want to do anything that messes with this good place that I'm in right now. I don't want to add anything or take away from my life in any way in case it is the factor that causes everything to go right back to where it was a year ago.

But that's the problem with mental health issues; they catch you in their grips and they don't ever let go; they make you fear them and cringe when you think of them so that they control almost every aspect of your life.

I really think that it is time for me to quit living in fear and put an end to living in the grasp of something that is currently right within my control.

So, I have a New Year's Resolution this year, for the first time ever, to try and date this individual and be worry free and just bask in the fact that I have someone to talk on the phone to.

Hopefully, all goes well. If not....

Well, Jack Daniel's has always been faithful to me.

Don't Read Your Horoscope....

At an emotional level, today's spread shows that you're going through a difficult period. Your emotions are sincere and deeply felt (the Moon), but some external force (the Tower) is upsetting the environment of your love life.

Deeply felt? Does that mean, that, like, the Internet is predicting that I feel like I'm being stabbed in the face with a US Marines K-Bar?

Arguments, painful revelations, temporary separation or even break-up - you'll be imagining the worst, dear Amanda. And for some, today could signal the point of no return.

Like, you mean to say that all that time I was telling people, I can't date him, he's a coworker! And people were like, You're paranoid of breakups! Go with it! And that whole time?

I'M THE ONE WHO WAS RIGHT?!?


At work, the situation is tense, not to say explosive! The influence of the Tower is making it very difficult for you to control your impulsiveness, and you are unable to find the serenity you long for so much. This results in conflict with those around you and could result in your day being turned upside down. So watch out!

Clearly, by this they mean to hole up in a strange apartment and drink beer all night, washing away the woes of the world and napping in the comfort of someone else's comforter.

When Life Leaves You With No Words...

I've been in a bit of a funk lately, not that its anyone's fault or that there is anything anyone can do about it. I just feel as though I've been overwhelmed at work and at school; I just finished working and I was stuck at my place of employment for twenty seven hours straight due to inclement weather. By the time my boss got there and had shovelled his way to the house, I was hysterical and unable to communicate anything of value. He asked me to begin calling people who could come in, and as tears rolled down my cheeks and rage caused me to shake in my seat, he simply took the phone away from me and called people himself.

I wasn't sure if I was going to post this or not, and I've been thinking about it for weeks, but the beginning of December marked a one year anniversary for me. I'm not sure if it marks a year of Sanity, or just a year since I actually purposely sought out Sanity. Regardless, it was twelve months ago that I was in a very rough place, and while I don't feel that my mood is sending me back to that very rough place, I do feel as though I've been contemplative lately, cautiously wondering what it was, exactly, that sent me there to begin with.

I've been hating my medication more and more lately, and I'd like nothing more than to stop taking it altogether. Its been a year since I started on this new wonder drug, and about sixteen months since that awful city doctor fed me near-lethal doses of another drug that quite literally drove me to the brink of insanity. Every now and then I get this urge to live medication free, and I'm not sure why, but the idea seems appealing, as though somehow being without meds would make me a member of that oh-so-exclusive club that the Sane people belong to, and just for a little while, I could play with the cool kids.

On the other hand, I've tried living drug free before and, well, it just never goes well. I think that's all I need to tell the Internet at this point.

Just When You Think You're Making Progress...

Typically when I start dating someone, when I go out a few times and feel like I might start to like someone, I try to keep it to myself. Joomy might not believe me, but I really do tell very few people. There are several reasons for this: One, when my feet find themselves back on the ground again, the breakup is easier to deal with if you don't have to tell anyone.

Ok, I said several reasons, but that's the only one I can think of.

This most recent individual is a coworker as well, and we work in a field where we are quite literally shoulder to shoulder for most of our shifts. I suppose the main reason I didn't want anyone to know about it is that. I like to keep my home life entirely separate from my work life, and if people were to find out that I was seeing this individual, it wouldn't be separate any more.

I chose today, in the way I often do, to inform this most recent individual that I couldn't spend time with him any more, that he shouldn't write or call or send pictures or stand beneath my bedroom window singing love songs because I simply can't cope with this relationship at this point in time.

And now we have to deal with the fallout, which was why I thought this was such a bad idea in the first place.

I just didn't think the fallout would come so soon, that after a single day I'd no longer have someone to talk about nothing with and that once more, I'd feel like ice picks are being plunged again and again into the depths of my being.

I think that one of the most discomfitting things about this whole situation is that tonight, when SuperNan was making EggNog, she came to me and asked, "Do you have any booze? Some scotch or whiskey? Or anything?"

And I was all like "For Fuck's SAKE, I do NOT HAVE any booze, not a beer or a drop of tequila or even any FUCKING COOKING SHERRY."

And you know, since I moved back home, I've made a concerted effort to tone down the drinking, to not stockpile alcohol and act like someone who can't live without it. But I'm really starting to think, would it BE SO BAD to be one of those people who keeps a mickey stored in the back of the toilet? WOULD IT BE SUCH A CRIME???

Updates By Subject...

School: Gah. I have no words for school. After three years of hardcore university, college is hard to take seriously. I have one class for which there are no assignments, and another which is purely chatting. Seriously. Chatting.

And, you know, its not like I'm complaining. I love chatting. I could chat from when the cows come home until they go back out again after milking. And I'm so, so glad that I'm not poring over my computer until five a.m. three days in a row trying to down enough Red Bull to keep my eyelids from dropping shut so I can get a paper done. But at the same time, I'd like a little more substance and text to my education.

Work: Loving it. I feel like I'm really asserting myself as a worker in this field. AND, I think I have whiplash from an incident with one of the kids the other day. No word of a lie, my neck is killing me and I can't really turn and look to the right. Good times, all 'round.

Zydo: I have now not ridden my horse in over a month, and the guilt is eating away at my soul. I love that horse more than words can say, and I love to cuddle and pet him and scratch his ears and comb his mane while he eats his grain. I could write a love ballad about this horse.

The problem is that he is unsure on his feet in this snowy, icy weather we've been getting. I have anxiety just walking beside him from the barn to the pasture; I simply do not have what it takes to hop on in icy weather in case he tumbles and falls, squashing the life out of me in the process. So for now, Zydo is an overgrown kitten, who can't sleep in my bed.

BoyGuy: We are working together on the issues I have towards dating. Such a positive step, no? I've been painfully honest about the people I've dated in the past, the drug abusers and chronic liars and the guys who live lives that they keep secret from me and the ones who never call and the ones who leave notes to other girls in their trucks for me to find....

But still, I'm working on trusting him and he's working on dealing with the fact that I'm a cold hearted, jaded old bitch.

And, I still refuse to call him my boyfriend. Even though we talk about nothing almost every day.

Dixie: My little Muppy Muppy has recovered from her surgery wonderfully; she is back to her chipper old self and lives to take a nap with me on the couch every afternoon that I am home to do so. Kami, who is not allowed on the couch due to her size and irritating short hair that gets caught in the cushions, has caught on to this phenomenon call napping. Every day when I come home, Kami barks and jumps around me while I get settled, and Dixie joins her by howling, whining, and wiggling until I get settled on the couch. Then they both race across the room, dive into the blankets, and hide their heads so they can pretend I didn't see them climb up. Dixie lays beside me on the pillows, and Kami lays on my legs, frequently causing them to lose mobility and sensation.

And then, when I'm curled up in the blankets and the dogs and the warmth, I shut my eyes and heave a big sigh. Sometimes when I do this, Dixie again explodes into a fit of whining and licking, and when all I can smell is foul, beagle-y breath on my face, I think, Man, this life is pretty damn good.

On Neglecting My Blog...

So I haven't been writing very much of late, and it seems that when I do write, the only thing I have to say is that I haven't written. I'm just chalk full of useful statements like those.

And you know, I'm a full time student and I work four or five shifts a week, and I like to pretend like I have some sort of social life. The type where you actually get out of your pajamas and go beyond the doors of your own home. A social life like that. Exactly.

And I'd love to blame my busy-ness on my school and my work and my horse, but they are not to blame at all. I can generally manage school, work, some of the horse care and my blog all at the same time. But the real reason I'm too busy to blog?

Is a boy.

I met this individual only four weeks ago, and for the last two weeks we have been spending a considerable amount of time together. He is a very lovely individual, the type of individual who has blonde hair and blue eyes and a thing for shoes that my brothers are all sure to make fun of. He hunts deer and has a four-wheeler and likes to do things like chain smoke and drink beer. He's never milked a cow though, and I find this a little bit troublesome.

Joomy has already asked me for details on this individual, for an email updating her on the goings on and the kissing, because she found out that there had been kissing and OH MY GOD, there was kissing? And then she was kinda pissed that she has been out of the loop.

This individual has lasted longer in my life than most individuals, because in most cases, I'm done with them and have kicked them to the curb a few days after our first meeting. In fact, I've twice made motions to cut it off completely with this individual, and twice I've talked to him about it, and twice I've decided that fine, I'll go ahead with it. I'm hesitant to date this person or call him my boyfriend.

The problem here is that we work together. I've been through enough breakups to know that they are hurty and not nice, and that in every case, every time I've dated someone? Its ended in a breakup. So chances are, this isn't my Prince Charming, sent to sweep me off my feet and prevent me from being an ogre ever again in my life.

I want to date someone. I want to cuddle up and watch a movie, I want to have someone to call when I want to chat about my day. I want to have someone who will hold my hand and let me lean on them when I am sad and lonely; I want someone to eat lunch with and talk about nothing with and drink beer with and have a cigarette with. I want all that so badly that I can almost feel it when I'm living my day-to-day life.

But at the same time, I want to just be me. I want my alone time, my napping with Dixie time. I want to spend a day with my horse and not feel guilty that I should be spending my time with a person rather than something of equine descent.

I'm just a jumbled up mess of mixed up emotions right now and I'm not sure what to do about it. I am genuinely interested in this individual, I genuinely like him and enjoy spending time with him.

But in the event of yet another painful breakup, I'm not sure how we're supposed to go on as coworkers or friends, or how I'm supposed to get used to the fact that once he's gone, I'll have no one to chat about nothing with anymore.

I think the chatting about nothing is what I like the most.