Oh, Didn't I Tell You??

My father purchased his mare, Darq Lucretia, three and a half years ago.

At the time I was away at university, studying to become a wonderful Sociologist who would go on to do great things with her life. In the meantime, I was working at The SubShack and when I found out about Tia's presence in our lives, I immediately went to all my coworkers and told them how I was going HOME that weekend and I would get to ride a HORSE.

For the first time in years! I would be back in the saddle!

My father informed me that, no, I would not be riding his horse and I was momentarily heartbroken. Because, really, Do you know who I am?

And then my father went out on his first ride with Tia. It took my brother's assistance to hold her while my father got on and then they sped down the driveway in a flurry of feet flying and tail swooshing and I was all like, Dude, I am not getting on that horse.

Because Tia was kind of nutso. Not gonna lie, the girl had some issues. Before we got Zydo, six months after Tia's arrival here at The Ranch, Tia couldn't even go outside by herself because this big old world is just that scary.

I haven't since asked my father to get on his horse because I do not believe in interfering with the training others are putting in to a green horse. I don't believe that he should set back his progress with her in any way to please me, and as a result, our dearest Darq Lucretia has never been backed by yourse truly.

Until now.

Tia has grown as a horse since her arrival here. Sure, she has had her share of flipouts and hysteria. Sure, I used to call her The Dancing Queen. Yep, she is petrified if you carry a plastic bag by her stall and she will very much try to escape through the solid wall should you make a crinkling sound in her doorway. Once every three years, she will even try to kick you. (Or me.)

But she has also become phenomenally sweet. She is the horse people turn to when they come in our barn, not Zydo. She is the one people want to pet and kiss the nose of because she is just so darn lovable, that little grey mare. She is beautiful and curious and just so willing to pick her feet up should you ask.

And so, this past weekend, we were outside with Tia and her baby, and I couldn't help but notice how absolutely calm she has become. Dead quietness.

And I rubbed on her back, leaned up on her, and I thought for a brief moment, What if I were to hop on?

And then I realized, wait.

I can't get on a horse. I need a mounting block and a full ground crew to mount any horse and I demanded that my father come and place me on his horse's back. I love this first photo because of the "Oh, for fuck's sake" expression on my dad. Like, really this chick is 25 years old and she can't get on a damn horse? Really?



And then I was suddenly on our dearest Darq Lucretia's back and while I was kind of nervous, waiting for her to bolt or spin or throw in a buck, I really thought, Hey! What's the worst that can happen?



And then my father led myself and Tia down the driveway and I thought for a brief moment that this was how I started out 24 years ago. I was 18 months old and being led by this same man down this same driveway, past those same maple trees on a horse named Gentleman Jim Dandy. I remember the first time I trotted on Jim, down that driveway. I was five or six, and I was scared. My father told me that there was no time like the present to try it out. Jim and I trotted with great success that day and I bobbled around like a rag doll on top of that enormous horse with a grin on my face that I'm sure you could have seen from the moon.




So, here we are. Twenty five years later? Or three years later?

I'm not sure.

But my father finally let me ride his mare, that delightful grey little thing who is just so sweet you want to pick her up and put her in your pocket. I've always had an affinity for Tia because of who she is: A defiant little creature who states very clearly what her needs are. A lovely little thing who can be a beautiful mover if she wants to be. The one who brought my father home a ribbon the first time he competed with her because when it comes to, she really can do what needs to be done.

And also the one who brought us the next generation of riding:



I've told my mother that the theme song for this year is Taylor Swift's "Fearless". You should go and listen to it right now, really.

You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless.

Welcome to the World, Little One...

Dylan's Darq Trooper was born tonight between six p.m. and ten twenty p.m. He weighs in at between 40 and sixty pounds (Weight currently in dispute) and is around three feet tall. He has one sock, one whorl, and no star. His mother seems completely at ease with herself in her new role. His uncle Zydeco seems a little spun to find himself living beside a new being.



It's cold outside and your uncle Zydeco might try to kick you, but you're here and you're wonderful.



There is a lot to learn about living in this world. Like, you have to stand on your own two feet and people aren't always going to be there to help you. But because you're so cute and new, we don't mind lending a helping hand for the time being.



Social constructions exist: Just because you are a boy does not mean that we won't clad you in pink and send you out to play with the others. But don't worry, your good ol' Uncle Zydo won't make fun of you because he, too, is clad in an effeminate color.



YOU LIVE WITH CRAZY PEOPLE. Accept that little tidbit right now.

I'm sure that we will be off to Apple in the morning to pick out a thousand expesive items that you don't need but that we think are cute. That's just how we role here at The Ranch, we make excuses to buy things for horses because we just love horses that much.

Welcome to the crew, little fellow. We hope you enjoy your stay, and if you don't, we'll just feed you sweet feed and carrots until you change your mind.

I Have No Information

Wait, that's a lie.

I went in to discuss my rental car with the people at the collision shop today to try and figure out how long I can have it without paying for it because my insurance only covers so much of the rental (Which I dumped a cup of coffee on today. Glory.)

I got some more belongings out of the Jeep, which has been sitting outside with a smashed roof and no windows through a 25 centimetre snow storm. There is about six inches of slush and snow in it. My beautiful, wonderful Jeep is smashed and full of snow and the sight of it made me want to vomit.

The body guy said he was ninety five percent sure I should start looking for another vehicle because he is telling the insurance agent that it is a total loss. The insurance adjustor now has the opportunity to contradict that claim and come and view it himself if he is not satisfied with the body guy's opinion. So I am waiting to hear from the adjustor.

In other news, Tia's baby belly is ridiculous and her winter attire barely fits over her. My parents have left me to my own devices here at The Ranch. This always seems to be an adventure as Tia, that beautiful little wonder, always seems to get up to some shenanigan or other while they are away.

Tonight I was bringing them in from the field and since Zydeco is a bit of an asshat, he usually tries to chase Tia out of the gate and then a person can't catch either horse. So in a wave of genius, I snatched up Zydeco before he had a chance to chase away Tia, and made my way to the gate. I was snapping at Tia to get back and away, which usually she listens to, but today she was all "Tally-Ho!" and took off across the yard.

Let's stop for a second here. Thus far this week I have already potentially written off my most prized posession and I was standing there watching my father's most prized posession gallavant across our yard into the wild blue yonder. FUCK MY LIFE. That was my thought process, a pretty simple conglomoration of words. Just that. FUCK MY LIFE.

My own wonderous steed was jumping up and down and hollering beside me. I managed to snap Zydeco into obedience and get him into his stall, which he started pacing and hollering in. I suppose he figured that if she got to go on a jaunt, why shouldn't he? All of life should be equitable among horses, let me tell you.

Tia was quite interested in all that our yard had to offer and I've never seen her investigate so many things without spooking in all the time I've known her. She sniffed out my rental car (And then even went so far as to turn her nose up at it. Hmph). She then meandered over to the snowblower and gave it a good once-over. At this point the pidgeon coop seemed rather intriguing, so she wandered over and stepped in to the doorway of it.

I clucked at her a few times and held out my hands as if to say "Look how nice I am. Please don't dive away from me and break your leg in our yard. I smell good and I'm wearing this selection of beautious plaid jackets."

Apparently Tia accepted this because SHE WALKED DIRECTLY TO ME and allowed me to put a lead on her.

Praise be to God.

Of course after this traumatic event I called my mother and informed her that Tia and Zydo now need some stall rest as their day out and the ensuing panic attack it caused me would take them a day or two to get over.

Because it takes everyone a day or two to get over my panic attacks, let me tell you.

On Removing Several Layers of Skin From My Face, Foals, and Puppies

Years ago, I wrote this post, in which you'll find an incredibly revolting tale of woe regarding a growth on a dog's head, and also an apt description of my acne medication.

I've decided, again, to attempt to make my skin look clear and wonderful, and as a result I've gone back to using my old acne medication. It still smells as strong, it still dries my skin as much. It currently hurts to laugh, smile, cry, wipe away tears, yawn, and chew on food. So, hey, perhaps it interferes with day to day living a little bit, but really, a small price to pay for clear skin, right?

There are some exciting goings-on here at The Ranch that don't have to do with my acne. For one, we are only TWO MONTHS away from meeting Tia's baby. In fact, it's more like six weeks away. Tia has become quite rotund and on a daily basis you can see her little baby flopping around in her belly. Sometimes at night I go down to the barn and lean my head on her belly to feel the little kicks. Nothing like getting kicked in the head by a fetal horse to make your heart smile.

Before Tia's baby gets born, however, we have another new arrival on her way eleven days from now. Dixie is going to be quite upset about this new arrival, this little bundle of liver-colored German Shorthaired Pointer puppiness. She is flying in from Winnipeg on the fifth of December. SuperNan and I are currently chomping at the bit, so to speak, to go shopping at Petsmart for cute pink little puppy things. My father is busy rolling his eyes at all the delighted squealing we have been doing over this adorable mass of wiggles. Dixie doesn't know what's about to hit her and for this I feel bad: my poor, grumpy old beagle is about to get licked and hassled by this puppy and there is no way to mentally prepare her for that.

In the meantime, I suppose I should be doing something productive with my day like doing schoolwork or excercising on my stationary bike.

A List of Updates, Bullet Style...

- High speed Internet service is coming to CowTown TOMORROW. I haven't updated my links list, or anything, since I've moved home but I hope that changes soon. I also plan to have pictures up now that it will take less than an HOUR to upload them.

- Zydeco has sustained yet another odd affliction. He has a swelling on his belly that is bigger than my fist. And I have giant man-hands, so it is a pretty big swelling. We are monitoring it and taking his temperature to see if he might require a vet.

- I just bought a friggin JEEP. I really can't afford a vet right now, and as such, I'm hoping that prayer will work wonders for my horse's ailment.

- Tia is showing outward signs of her pregnancy! Zydeco is so excited at the prospect of becoming an uncle that he is practicing for racing around with a yearling daily. Tia and Summer continue to be poor players of this game called "I Am So Happy To Be Alive That I Must Leap Everywhere I Go" but Zydeco continues to try and entice them.

- The JEEP is the source of much joy in my life. I love watching my friends climb in and ask me if I have a foot stool handy to make the process a bit more dainty.

- I bruised my shoulder shooting at clay pidgeons yesterday. Pics of the injury to follow once I have access to high speed Internet IN MY HOUSE.

- Summer has arrived (The season, not the horse. He showed up last October and has settled into a steady routine of biting my horse and his eighty five dollar blanket quite nicely). As a result of the onset of summer, I am working on my redneck tan, and in the midst of planning great things for The Ranch.

- My garden plans for this year are in the works and I'm sure that Jooms will be thrilled at the prospect of more home grown sweet corn.

- HIGH SPEED INTERNET. In less than twenty four hours. Life is worth living.

Oh, The Things I Could Say...

Alot has been going on here in Cowtown of late. Tia's pregnancy has been confirmed, and here is a picture of her baby to prove it. If you can pick out the horse without seeking the advice of a medical professional... Well, clearly you ARE already a medical professional.



The changes that have overcome Tia since being 'in foal' are overwhelming. It is like she has become a new person, not a fan at all of leaping around like a maniac, puffing and breaking into a sweat every time something Earth Shattering happens, like wind blowing or people making eye contact with her.

My first round of course materials have been shipped from my online university and I am very excited to get started. I can't wait to feel like I'm working towards something again. This from the person who swore to never attend another post secondary institution ever again in this lifetime. Meh, I like it.

I've also been spending a time with an individual lately, and not an individual of equine descent. This has been going on for quite some time now, since before December, and I haven't posted of it on my blog for a variety of reasons. Typically the individuals I spend time with tend to be... Difficult. Things this time around have been going slowly but surely, quietly and with a kind of delicate simplicity that I am really fond of. This whole thing that is going on is very much suited to my needs at this point: neither party is being particularly needy or annoying, bothersome or dependent. I don't feel crowded emotionally or physically, and I like these aspects of what is going on.

The Little Chevy and I are possibly coming to the end of our relationship, and after a car shopping expedition this morning I have to say that I am concerned for my vehicular future. I really want to drive something fun and interesting, but at the same time I know that financially these are not wise decisions to be making, especially as I'm wading into this whole school business again. At the same time I don't see myself coming home with a Cobalt or a Calibre, which is what I thought I'd be looking at a year ago.

The me of a year ago and the me of today are another thing weighing heavily on my mind, and as per usual, Joomy is right there cheering me along in the changes I've been making. Only it is more like changes are happening and I'm a passive bystander in everything that is going on. I am quite possibly the healthiest I have been right now in years, physically and emotionally, and that is quite thrilling for me. But I'm a little confused as to some of the other things going on. I imagine my state of unsettled-ness will ease as time goes by.

Sanity Reigns...

My parents have left me to my own devices once more here at The Ranch. The last time I was left here alone, Tia lost her mind. No, really. Her mind was no longer at one with her person. She trashed the barn, spun in circles in her stall until I couldn't even get in to feed her, and then she kicked me.

After that, I told my parents that they were no longer allowed to leave me here alone caring for horses, as I don't feel that I should have to risk my life as part of a contract for living here.

And oddly enough, here I am. After lengthy discussions, emergency planning, and ideas on how to deal with every horse misbehaviour that exists, I am alone with horses.

I have my trusty neighbor friend coming over twice a day to help me care for these horses that we own. I was pretty nervous this morning but we went out and fed grain and changed blankets and began this process that we refer to as 'turning out.'

In normal barns, turning out is not an anxiety inducing process at all. You clip your horse to a lead and bring it to the pasture. Process over.

In my barn, however, I am frequently near. And when I am near, insanity reigns. Myself and Tia alone are enough to give normal people full on heart attacks.

Now, Tia does not particularly like men (Except my father. She loves my Dad.) and so my neighbor friend was instructed to not go near Tia for fear that her brain matter would boil up into her skull and make her incompetent to be lead.

On the way out of her stall, Zydeco, that dastardly fool that he is, attacked Tia and tried to bite her. In response, Tia reared high in the air (Or, as high as the ceiling would allow her to rear) and bolted out of the barn.

I knew she was freaking out, so I used one of the tricks my father has taught me over the years: Go Forward. Tia and I went forward with fervor, and once we rocketed our way out of the barn, she heaved a sigh of relief and walked daintily beside me.

And I am not even making this up.

Tia, the Dancing Queen, the Spinning Enthusiast, the one who is known as She Who Can Not Walk Without Being Four Feet Off The Ground...

She walked daintily beside me.

I did think it kind of odd, and wrote it off as shock due to my horse trying to eat her on her way by his stall door.

BUT THEN.

Tonight? On the way back to the barn?

She did the same thing. She walked like a little angel, with her head down and her feet firmly planted on the ground, with no spinning or jumping or staring at objects that aren't to be identified by human eyes. Just daintily into her stall.

And then she proceeded to spend the rest of my time in the barn trying to cuddle up with myself or my friends who were with me, nuzzling into our palms and rubbing her face on our jackets.

Clearly, pregnancy agrees with her and has a calming effect on her personality.