Monday, October 16, 2006

Being a Crazy Person, Part One Million

So, today thus far has been a completely useless day. I have done nothing of value and in thirty minutes I have to leave for a class, so I'm doubtful that anything of value will get done.

Berry Queen (Or SuperNan) has once again conspired to make my life tumultuous and difficult. Perhaps it was both of them. Regardless of who conspired to do what, I now have a hideous decision to make: Go visit Big Brother before he leaves for Afghanistan, or go and watch Berry Baby the Fifth get baptized? I thought I had demanded two weeks notice on the baptism of this baby?!? And now I'm torn. Not to mention dateless. AND LOCATED IN THE WRONG CITY. I haven't seen Berry Baby the Fifth since mid-September and I don't think I will be able to see her again until SuperBowl Sunday. At the same time, when Big Brother leaves I won't be able to see my niece, my brother, or my sister in law for six months.

At this point I think I have to say that I value a weekend with my brother more than a day with the Berry Queen although it makes me want to cry when I think about it. Next year I'll be living at home again and SuperNan and I can go to visit whenever our little hearts desire. When your brother is in Afghanistan, making a road trip to visit isn't exactly an option.

I've been feeling lately in a way that I haven't felt in years and that's scary for me. The thing about OCD is that, in a lot of cases, it's a children's disorder that can be outgrown. Like acne. It turns out that I haven't outgrown either. I'm not sure if this is a matter of my medications no longer being effective or what, but I've been experiencing some old behaviors that I haven't experienced since I was a teenager. I'm not that interested in going into detail on my blog, but to make a long story short, this is one case where my mental health affects my ability to live normally outside of my own home and can result in some pretty nasty physical ailments.

My only choice here is to either live with these nasty physical ailments (which isn't really a good option) or change my behaviors so that I don't have to face them any more. Changing my behaviors isn't really an option either because in a lot of cases I feel that I simply can't.

So, I'm deciding what to do with myself, as per usual. And as per usual, I suppose it's nothing that a stiff drink won't fix although, considering I still have over four hours of classes today, that's probably not the best option. Not to mention I'm broke and out of booze. Sigh.



Anonymous Jummy said...

I hope you're ok and you figure out how to get on a more even keel. That sounds so trite, I know but basically I hope you are able to get some useful help!

11:13 a.m.  

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