Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Caution: Over-use of caps, !!s, and profanity

It turns out that I have far more lumps than my un-trained hands can find, not only in my neck but in my armpits and upper thighs as well. Hurray for swollen lymph nodes!

I went to the hospital in a fit of rage today. The receptionist at my doctor's office said that there were no available appointments until sometime next week. I love it when people are vague like that, as though they don't have a book in front of them saying precisely when next week an appointment will be available.

Frankly, my neck hurts and I'm getting pissy. I have been suffering this ailment for FIVE weeks now. If you had an ailment that gave you headaches and nechaches for five weeks consecutively, how chipper and happy would you be?


So far I have ruled out tuberculosis and a dental issue with Dr. Chuck. Today the doctor ruled out Mono. (I already had mono when I was seventeen. I told her that but apparently she wanted to make sure herself that I didn't have it again. I suppose I just LOOK like one of those freaks who can't even bother to get diseases properly.)

I hate those people who diagnose themselves on the Internet, and I try my hardest not to do so. However, for the sake of fun, let's go over just a FEW of the things I might have, according to our friend Google:

1)Streptococcal infection (Except that I feel great! So, no strep throat for me.)

2)Rabit fever (Have you ever heard of rabit fever? ME NEITHER.)

3)Plague (Now, what the fuck is plague? Seriously? THE FUCKING PLAGUE?!?)

4)Disseminated histoplasmosis


And, my all-time favorite

6) Lymphogranuloma venerum (I put this one in the list because I don't know how to say it. Fun, huh?)

This is a random assortment out of nineteen ailments listed on the Your Lymph Nodes Are Fucked page. (What's that? I'm swearing a lot in this post? Yes. Yes I am. BECAUSE MY LYMPH NODES ARE FUCKED AND I AM PISSED OFF.)

What I love the most about this list is that after it names all these random things that I can't pronounce or that I've never heard of, it states in tiny little writing that circulating cancer cells could also cause swollen lymph nodes. THANK YOU, ASSHATS WHO PUT THAT ON THE INTERNET.

The Internet also advised that I seek prompt medical attention if the symptoms are prolonged (Is five weeks prolonged? APARENTLY FUCKING NOT)or if they change (Do new lymph nodes popping up count as a change? APPRENTLY FUCKING NOT.)

I did the only thing I could think to do when I got home from the hospital today, the only thing on a long list of things I could have spent two hours occupying my time with. I laid down on the couch and I wept until my cat was peering down the stairs at me and my mother was looking baffled. (Of course she was baffled. She just got through CANCER with less fuss than it takes for me to cope with swollen lymph nodes. Duh.)

I'm calling the doctor's office again tomorrow and if that fails again, I'm going back to the hospital. If we have to rule out issues one visit at a time, I figure I've got four hours every day to kill.

Hopefully we've got the issue solved by NEXT FUCKING FEBRUARY so that I can have a HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINE'S DAY.



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