I laugh in such a manner that I've made small infants cry, dogs run from the room, my cat hide under the bed, and entire herds of cattle stop and stare in horror. (And I'm not even making that up! The cows totally used to stop and stare when I would laugh. I bet PETA's all up in arms about it right now!)
My father has a bit of a hearing impairment. We're not sure if this is due to having spent so much time shooting without hearing protection or from a concussion he got when he was younger. At any rate, his hearing is not exactly the best hearing, and so years ago he was fitted for hearing aids.
Big Brother the oldest is a pretty funny guy. He can make me laugh like no other with his impersonations of me. I'm pretty fun to impersonate, what with all my insanities and the lunacy my life has become.
If you're wondering where this is going, bear with me.
The first day my father had his hearing aids was like a whole new world to him. Really. You miss out on lots of sounds when you can't hear (Really? Like, you actually miss out on sounds when you can't hear???) like the dog drinking from her dish, the fridge motor whirring, and your daughter's obnoxious, ear piercing, coma-inducing, high pitched cackle.
Well, on that fateful day, Big Brother got on a role. I have no idea what it was that he was going on about, but the giggling commenced. My dad was drinking coffee and reading.
Then I started laughing. My sides began to hurt, and I knew it was coming, but Big Brother wouldn't stop making fun of whatever it was he was making fun of.
You see where this is going?
So, Big Brother maxes out his hilarity, I grasp my sides, and let out my final guffaw. It's a cross between a shriek, a snort, and the sound that an Olympic figure skater emits upon breaking her ankle after messing up a particularly tricky jump. It sounds like I'm in pain, and by the time I'm making this.... sound I might actually be in pain from laughing so hard.
Well, I made this sound and my father jumped up, dropped his book, and started emitting expletives along with the words "WHAT IN HELL WAS THAT?" Upon seeing his reaction to my heinous hyena-like fit, he induced another fit in which I repeated the same noise. At this point, my father was cupping his ears and taking the Lord's name in vain left, right and centre.
The dog was barking, looking curiously around the room and avoiding coming into my proximity for fear that my laughter would render her incapable of running straight lines come next deer season. There was a cat peering cautiously into the kitchen door, and my mother was roused from the couch. Between my laughing and my Dad's cussing, I suppose it was kind of hard to sleep that day.
It was at this point I was rendered incapable of breathing, and so silience reigned in the kitchen once more as I tried desperately to regain myself. My father was staring at me in horror and Big Brother piped in "Yeah, Dad. That's what you've been missing out on for the last twenty years."
My Dad continued to stare at his daughter, concerned that she still hadn't drawn breath and looked like she was having a mild seizure with her contorted muscles and face turning all red and scary. "Good God," he said. "That's enough of that shit."
And from then on, my Dad only wore his hearing aids at important social functions or when he has the television so loud that Dixie's ears breeze loftily in the wind that the sound creates as she walks by the living room. He doesn't notice this, of course, but when my mother finally gets his attention away from whatever war story he's watching on History, and he realizes that if we lived any closer to other people that he'd be breaking fifteen different noise by-laws, he'll generally get out the hearing aids.
But only if I'm not in the house.
And so, I think it's safe to say that I have the worst laugh around. I am capable, after all, of making the hearing impaired give up their hearing aids.
If I accomplish nothing else in this life, I can die a proud and happy woman.