Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Dating, yet never going on a date....

As some of you are now aware, there is A Boy in my life. He is a very nice boy, with blue eyes and a penchant for figuring out computer problems. I went to visit him a few weeks ago and he even splurged on the pizza WITH CHICKEN ON IT. If that doesn't scream devotion to my iron levels, I don't know what does.

As some of you may also be aware, I am in the midst of dealing with one of the worst years of my life. (Let's re-cap: My grandfather died of a terrible disease, my brother was sent off to war for a third time, I had a nervous breakdown, a doctor tried to kill me, I had to be sedated for a month, and the person I love most in the world is dealing with an incredibly tricky medical condition that impacts my life directly. Oh, and my landlord wants to sue me.) I no more want to date someone than I want to have my uterus extracted with salad tongs.

To complicate matters, he doesn't really want to date someone either. Oh, and he lives four hours away.

The thing about this Boy is that we have some pretty soul-sharing things in common, things that I don't feel comfortable sharing with the Internet. He is probably the first person I've come across who I can describe my insanity to and not have to try and explain because he just knows. It's not like we both share a love for bad television and movies about gay sheep-herders, because we don't. But there is a connection there that I don't quite understand myself.

When I was visiting him last, The Boy and I were discussing what we are and how we should define this thing that we have. We both hate dating and we both hate relationships. But we do care for each other, as was exhibited when I asked him where I should sleep at his house and without missing a beat, he said that I could have his king-size bed to myself while he would sleep on the fold-out couch. He also rubs my back before I doze into slumber and kisses my forehead when I say something he thinks is funny. These are the things in life that mean the most to me, unless of course you wanted to bring beer into the picture. In that case, beer wins hands down, exery time.

The problem, and one of this things' greatest advantages, is the distance. I'd love nothing more than to have my forehead kissed more frequently than once a month; at the same time, the fact that he is so far away completely removes a large amount of the pressure involved in dating someone.

We aren't officially dating. We have agreed, at this point, to not kiss anyone else, exclusively. It's the commitment-phobe way of saying "I want to date you but if you fuck my shit up by being an ass, I don't want to have to deal with a breakup."

As it stands now, both of us are in the throes of final papers, exam prep, projects and presentations and as a result, our time online together or even on the phone together is minimal at best. We've both become accustomed to leaving each other offline messages with lame little kissy icons in them at all hours of the day and night. And while circumstance could be better, I can't exactly say that I dislike this system we have of short emails, three minute phone calls, and away messages. It's a new way of doing things for me, entirely, but new isn't necessarily bad. In this case, it's interesting and while I'm not pressured to spend every waking second of my time becoming a person in a relationship, it is nice to know that at three thirty in the morning while I doze away, someone is thinking of me enough to send me a message that says good night.


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Anonymous Jummy said...

I would have thought you'd miss the cuddling and canoodling though.

And you're such a liar: I don't think you're as averse to dating as this entry implies, although, in your current situation, I can see the adventages of dating from a distance as you're doing right now (er, not that you're dating him, of course).

And having someone thinking about you enough to send a message is definitely something to smile about.

12:32 p.m.  

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