Monday, September 14, 2009

I Just Don't Know What I Want...

And I also just don't know how much of my blog titles I should put in capitals. This is something that weighs on my mind every time I write. Sigh.

There is so much that I want to do with my time and my life and I just can't make up my mind. I want to live elsewhere, and then I want to stay at home. I want to embark on a higher level degree than the one I have, and then I never want to look at another text book again. I want to find a new job, but I tend to think I should stay where I am. I want to ride competitively and then I want to just wander aimlessly in my yard.

My financial woes are starting to really keep me down. Zydeco's vet bills this year have been far higher than they have ever been, thanks to a miracle cure for his arthritis I decided to try. I couldn't afford the third treatment and so my mother so graciously offered to pay it as a gift to me and my horse. I'm behind on paying back my riding ring debt as well as a shoe-ing that Zydeco had, and I hate being behind in owing people money.

I haven't paid nearly as much of my JEEP off as I'd like to have paid. I've made much more than the minimum payments on it and for that I'm very proud; however, because I also decided to try and save paying interest on my student loans I'm paying a large chunk of each paycheck to either the vehicle or the student loan. As a result of this, the actual amount of money I have each month is very low.

I have the goal of having three courses completed by December 31st; however, I have no idea where the money will come from for this. I can put it on a line of credit or a credit card but the idea of going further into debt makes my heart stop. Momentarily, at least.

So this is where my life is at. I'm wondering all the time if each choice I make related to finances, school, work and my horse is the right choice and how whatever choice I make is giong to affect future choices.

And then I start to feel overwhelmed and I'll go outside and stand beside my horse or take a drive in my JEEP with the music playing far too loud, and I think that perhaps maybe everything will find a way to work out in the end.

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Anonymous Jummy said...

I think it will all work out, as you say. You can't buy another horse or another vehicle though, or develop an addiction to anything that costs money :)

1:46 p.m.  

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