Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Good Air In; Bad Air Out...

I had another appointment with my doctor today, and I was supposed to go to work afterwards. However, I was in very real danger of hyperventilating and throwing up upon my arrival at work. Instead, I chose to call and scream into the phone that I wasn't fucking coming in, and they can fucking fire me because I'm going home to lay in my fucking bed until I fucking die.

Fortunately, my best friend works there too, so she was the one to get the call from me. Good thing, too, because typically I don't like to expose my bosses and co-workers to my real self at least until after I've been through the whole three months of work thing.

I'm beginning to feel like one of those people the Discovery Channel follows around on medical mystery shows. I imagine that my narrator would be an elderly gentleman with a British accent. He would say things like this:

Frustrated with the medical treatment, or lack thereof, that she has received in Canada, Amanda gave up her search for a cure in the North. After convincing her parents to take out another three mortgages on their farm, she travelled to a remote location in Montana. There, she met up with Hasbridge Augustus, a vegan guru who specializes in lymph nodes bearing resemblance to rodents. He mixed her a juice made from the roots of organic Manitoba Maple trees, regularly known for overtaking entire farms and sucking the life out of all surrounding vegetation. In this case, however, the Manitoba Maple root, mixed with the urine from a prehistoric breed of horse from South Africa, along with a potent dose of wheatgrass and alfalfa seeds has been known to cure young women of their painful, life altering conditions that modern North American doctors can't seem to fix.

Tune in next week to see if Amanda can stomach the mixture, and learn more from Hasbridge Augustus, the mountain man known for curing incredible ailments with his peculiar remedies.



Anonymous Jummy said...

I may have laughed at this instead of feeeling your pain at first, but now that my giggles at your wit have subsided, I'd like to tell you that I hope what ails you goes away already! Even if it means less blog fodder.


12:20 a.m.  
Anonymous bigman said...

Hmm, you think you can stomach horse pee? Eww.

12:28 p.m.  

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