Sunday, April 15, 2007

Back To God....

I went to Church this morning for the first time in several years, a time when I wasn't going to impress my Grandmother.

Three years ago, I led what I refer to as my Other Life. It was kind of tumultuous and scary, and the events of that Other Life led me to leave the church.

I've been feeling this part of me lately, a lot, that's like... you're missing something. I've been polling knowledgeable people about religious issues regarding my own fears on going back to church.

The Berry Queen explained it best to me when she asked me to think of how a parent loves a child. What could I personally do to make my parents never speak to me again? What could my nephew do to me so that I would never speak to him again, so that I would banish him from my life forever.

Her question kind of stunned me, and I thought heavily for a long time. I couldn't really think of anything. I thought about my nephew and what he might do to make me banish him out of my life forever, and I couldn't really think of anything that would make me give up hope entirely. And he's not even my child.

The Berry Queen told me to think long and hard on that, because that is what going to church is all about: It's not about being perfect in the eyes of God, nor is it about beating yourself up because you happen to have done some supremely stupid shit in your time. It's about the fact that God has a love for us that is undying, and he has laid it all out in plain, simple language: Love God. Love yourself. Strive to do as Jesus did. Amen.

So, it's back to church with me. I've made my peace with God today, made my peace with my past. I feel happy and free, ready to pick up the phone and call my favorite pastor. He hasn't heard my voice in years. I plan to go over and have coffee and hang out and chat.

And then I plan to spend a long time really rocking my homecoming to the church.


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