Saturday, January 27, 2007

I love my school....

That was all sarcasm, Baby.

So, I'm graduating. The day is drawing near. I'm planning my grad party (In which I plan to light mass quantities of dead trees on fire and consume copious amounts of alcohol) and I'm looking around at having my photos done.

My school, bless their hearts, actually NOTICED that my degree is almost finished with and, by jove, they REMEMBERED to send me information about my convocation and diploma! Who would have thought?

I'm really torn as to how I should have my diploma displayed (read: pay two hundred dollars for them to do it, or go old school and run to Wal-Mart on the way home) and if I should have it done in Latin. Decisions, decisions.

They sent a lovely packet home with all this information and I think my favorite thing in the information packet was the notice that parents can stay in residence for the night of the ceremony.

For the Low Low price of seventy dollars!

I think they should have included a letter that reads like this:

Dear Parents of Graduating Students:

Congratulations! After many years, thousands of dollars, and a large portion of your child's soul, we are now willing to release her from our Devilish, non-English speaking grips! Yes, Sirs and Madams, your child is educated about all sorts of nifty things and if you read our school newspaper from this week, you'll find the uplifting news that by the year 2016, people with degrees will actually be in demand! Which means, Fine Parents, that you only have nine more years of supporting your child's sorry ass in your own home before she can hope for gainful employment, upon which time she will need to come back into our Satanic grips to have her degree updated!

Not only are we offering all this to you, BUT we are also offering you a place to stay while your child attends convocation. We offer no services, no linens, no room service, and no private showers. In addition, all the signage will be in a language you don't understand and if you want to eat in the school cafeteria? WE WILL CHARGE YOU THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR ONE HAMBURGER. The beef will not be organic or environmentally friendly in ANY sense of the word, but you are guaranteed at least four hundred and seventy five grams of fat per serving. That's right. GUARANTEED.

Not only do you get all the above mentioned lack of ammenities, but we will charge you the exact dollar value of your left kidney to park at our wonderful establishment while you try desperately to sleep despite the din of beer wolves howling at the moon during all hours of the day and night.

The best part, Fine Friends? You get all this for the LOW LOW price of seventy dollars for the whole night! THAT'S IT. Seventy dollars so that you can manage to not sleep in an uncomfortable bed, be located in a room that still reeks of beer and vomit from last year's freshmen, AND have no chance of breakfast before we boot your sorry ass out at ten in the morning!

Be sure to bring your sedatives!


The Dumb Fuckwits Who Run Your Child's School.

Man. I should have taken a degree in advertising.



Blogger Smilin Tweety said...


I like it!

It's tough deciding stuff like that. I thought that the latin would look cool too - but the thing is, that no one really understands it any more. So you'd probably be better off getting it in English - unless of course you want to trick your future employers into thinking it's a Master's or something ;) lol

Congrats, only 10 weeks to go!

2:02 p.m.  

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