Monday, April 02, 2007

Ravaged by creepy dreams....

Today was a rainy day, and as befits an activity for a rainy afternoon, I decided to take a nap. Because napping is the best thing since sliced bread. Before sliced bread? You could just rip it apart in chunks and eat it that way. Before napping? There were a lot of cranky people, I'm sure.

Today's nap featured a dream about wolves in my kitchen.

I was back at the ranch, and alongside our usual herd of loud, obnoxious dogs was a wolf. It was a snarling, growling, foul-looking creature that I was positive was about to consume me in about three bites, ending with my head, of course, because then I would be awake the whole time he ate. He would start with my mis-shapen feet, move his way up my jiggly thighs, thinking all the while that man, this chick could use some dipping sauce. And I'd be awake and watching him eating me up, bite by bite, and when he took the first bite out of my left thigh? I was kind of relieved because man, the cellulite is really bringing me down these days.

So the wolf was hanging out in the kitchen with his hair raised and his teeth bared and I was looking at my family incredulously while they all tried to convince me that he was a very nice wolf, and he's a member of this family, young lady, so you better accept it and start being nice to him.

I really wasn't sure what to make of things at this point, because everyone in the house was clearly terrified of the creature, giving him a wide berth when they walked past him on the way to the coffee pot. Every time I opened my mouth, he growled and snapped. And every time he growled and snapped, everyone in the house said "See? Look how friendly he is!"

And so when the wolf approached me, most certainly eyeing my well-fleshed framed and imagining me slow-roasted with a honey-apple glaze, I climbed up on my chair beside the table. And once I was perched atop the chair, I began screaming bloody murder, so that my father cupped his ears with his hands and the herd of dogs started wimpering. And I stood there and I screamed and I screamed, certain that the wolf was about to consume me and that my family had lost their minds.

And then I screamed so much that I woke myself up, and I really have to say, who goes about having dreams like this?




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