Saturday, March 17, 2007

I'll take two of those.....

I was fortunate enough to be able to spend a night at BerryLand on Thursday. I was feeling slightly overwhelmed when I got there, perhaps because we had to spend an hour in the car with Berry Baby the Fifth who was wailing her little Berry Baby heart out for a large portion of the ride.

The mixed feelings I have towards domestic life in general tend to freak me out fairly often. There are times when I'm at the Ranch, or in BerryLand, surrounded by children and animals and noise and excitement when I think, Dear Heavens, why would anybody do this to themselves? And during those times, I picture my life as a quiet, serene existence surrounded by nothing but my guitar and my cat. No Man to argue with, no children to chase around, no boo-boos to kiss better, no bottles to prepare, no yelling to be heard or done for miles. Usually at this point I make a mental note to call the doctor and have a tubal ligation done within the next three weeks, and then I plan my savings account with which I will purchase large quantities of tequila and Canadian Lager, and envision my beer fridge as overwhelmingly large and devoid of baby bottles and left over strained peaches.

I was feeling this way when I got to bed in the early hours of Friday morning, having discussed all my life's issues with the Berry Queen and consumed the better part of a 2-4 of Miller Genuine Draught. I was especially feeling this way while I was trying to check my email and nurs a hangover and above me was a herd of six year olds thundering about, making no less noise than a herd of hippos.

As the day wore on, I spent my time in charge of children: changing the baby, wandering around with her, making her bottles, yelling at the other kids, and feeding her baby food. You'll have to excuse me for one moment now, while I gush about the joys of feeding a six month old her baby food because OH MY WORD. How cute is that? You put the food on her little spoon and she shrieks with joy and leans in and eats it all up and gets her little face covered with fruit-flavored cereal-y goodness and COULDN'T YOU JUST EAT HER UP? And then, after she's finished her cereal, you can sit down on the couch with her, curl yourself and her into a little ball of Johnson's baby shampoo smelling wonderfulness, and watch her drift off into sleep whiles she puts back all four ounces and you know what? When she outgrows this wonderful stage of smelling good and laughing when you kiss her little neck, I'm sure she will be a champion beer chugger.

And it's times like these when I'm thinking SIGN ME UP FOR THIS SHIZ-NIT because how could there be a better way to spend your life? If not surrounded by diapers with little teddy bear patterns on them, and soft flannel blankies that smell like fabric softener, and toys and the wonders of catching a baby learning how to roll over in video on your camera; if not spending your days helping children get their breakfast and buttoning buttons and tying shoes; if not tidying bedrooms and making beds and tripping over doll clothes and choosing an outfit for the day where the shirt matches the socks because DEAR GOD THE SHIRT HAS TO MATCH THE SOCKS... Well, what else would you ever do with your life?

And while I sometimes laze about and fantasize about not doing anything but staying awake until the early hours with an unGodly amount of beer coursing through my veins, I really have to say that even though there was some vomit, some screaming, a giant booger that got shot from the nose of a six month old at me, and a few diapers.... well, the glee on the little one's faces while I played my guitar and the children all pretended to be drummers and the baby bounced in her exersaucer seems to make it all worthwhile.


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