Monday, February 05, 2007

The world's most expensive child....

Sometimes I feel the need to fall on my knees and beg my parents for forgiveness, being that when they got me, they got an absolute dud. Oh, sure, they think I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but I always seem to be in need of some ridiculous medical or dental treatment that my insurance doesn't cover and that costs an unGodly amount of money.

My most recent problem lies within the formation of my bones. It seems that I have a wide array of things wrong with how my joints and bones line up: My jaw was in the wrong place when I was a child, my back was in the wrong position when I was a teen, I've had pinched nerves and I have incredibly bendy, crackly joints. Now my feet have turned on me and it seems that my hideous feet not only preclude me from becoming a foot model; they are going to cost hundreds of dollars to fix, as well. Of course my insurance doesn't cover it: Why the Hell would they care if I can walk ten years down the road?

At any rate, it seems that this will be a lifelong problem and that it will cost me money every couple years for the rest of my life. So, I'm hoping to find a surgical alternative to the mouse-y treatments they give most people. I'm a drastic measures kind of girl, and I also plan on spending most of my life on my feet. As a result, I don't look forward to feeling pain the way I have been feeling pain forever.

It seems that this makes me the craziest person on the internet (A feat that is hard to accomplish, as you can well imagine) because everyone else on the planet is looking for non-surgical alternatives whereas I am looking for the surgical alternative. I don't know at this point, but seeing as how I'm only 22 years old, and my precious tootsies have to tote me around for the rest of their lives? It's a problem that needs to be fixed, and needs to be fixed now.

Unfortunately the rest of the world doesn't see it that way, and as a result? Expensive shoe inserts and physio for now. I'm thinking that in order for me to repay my parents for all they've done sometime in the future, I'm going to have to start selling off my organs on the black market, start selling my eggs to fertility clinics, and charge scientists millions to do tests on my body while I'm still alive.

The problem lies in that anyone testing me or taking my eggs will not likely want a person who is as mishappen as I am, and as a result, I'll probably only be worth bottom dollar.


It's a good thing I'm so funny, useful, and wonderful. I don't know how my wonderful parents would put up with me otherwise.



Anonymous Jummy said...

Oh dear! What is the matter with your feeties? I'm sorry to hear you're in pain. Yes, it is funny that most are seeking nonsurgical alternatives while you're begging for surgery. Maybe you just want the good hospital drugs.

Is your age the reason why they are not opting for surgery?

Well you're a good kid and of course your parents your parents think you're the best thing ever!

10:19 a.m.  
Anonymous bigman78 said...

It's a good thing I'm so funny, useful, and wonderful.

Uhm, I understand the wonderful and funny part, but where does the useful part come in? Hmm, maybe your parents just need someone beautiful to look at. :D That is a use, right?


11:07 a.m.  
Blogger Amanda said...

Well, I seem to think that my age is a good reason to opt for a srugical solution. I'm only 22, and it seems that I am going to need orthotic shoe inserts for the rest of my life due to the shape of my feet. My third metatarsal is not where it belongs, and as a result, it puts pressure on the ball of my foot, causing general ackes and pains.

The thing is that orthotics are fairly expensive, so it makes the most sense to me to have it permanently corrected rather than spending hundreds of dollars every few years on new orthotics.

I guess it depends on what the doctors say, though. Sigh.

11:34 a.m.  

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