Saturday, February 17, 2007

Poor decision making 101...

Andy, are you goofin' on Elvis.. Hey Baby... Are we havin' fun....

Step one in poor decision making: Go to Mal's with a case of beer. Discuss the thing that you did four years ago that makes you a terrible person.

Step two in poor decision making: Come home with the rest of your case of beer. Wake up your roommate on your way in. Sit in front of your laptop.

Step three in poor decision making: Reach into the case for one more, planning on having two more. There is only one.

Step four in poor decision making: Count the empties around you and curse yourself for not buying in bulk. It's a better deal, better for the environment, and better for your plans of drinking and writing copious amounts of 'written works' on your laptop.

Step five in poor decision making: Browse your playlist at four a.m. seeking out sad songs that remind you of love lost and opportunities gone.

Step six in poor decision making: Play your list of sad songs that remind you of lost love and opportunities gone.

Step seven in poor decision making: Download a video of Tim McGraw's Don't Take the Girl. Watch it with eyes wide open, dragging on God-knows-which-numbered-cigarette you've had tonight. Contemplate throat lozenge shopping in the morning.

Step eight inpoor decision making: Try to balance a beer beside your leg, assuming your cellulite thighs will keep it firmly in place while you switch songs. Dump said beer all over yourself.

Step nine in poor decision making: Be a big cheap-ass and don't keep paper towels in the house on an envrionmentalist kick. I'm a farmer, Dammit! My goal is to spray as many cancer-causing pesticides as I can across the Earth's surface in hopes of ending it's existence within the next ten years. Environmentalist, my ass.

Step ten in poor decision making: Use your last clean sock to mop up the beer you've spilt on your ultra-sexy jogging pants. Contemplate how bad it would smell in the morning if you didn't use the last quasi-clean sock you own o mop up the rest.

Step eleven in poor decision making: Give up on mopping up the beer and remove the jogging pants entirely. Because cellulite never looked better than when it is glistening in the glow of a one million watt lightbulb at four a.m.

Steps to recovery in poor decision making:
1) Listen to something happy.
2) Drink some Diet Ginger Ale!
3) Think about time soon to be spent at the Ranch with Mal!!
4) Plan on shopping in the morning for Cosmo ingredients and new playing cards.
5) Realize, it IS morning, Silly!
6) Re-vamp shopping plans to include waking up past one. Or maybe two.
7) Look at your happy kitty curled up peacefully at the foot of your bed.
8) Envision the ever-adorable Dixie sleeping there instead.
9) Arrange the flannel sheets just the way you like them.
10) Imagine yourself as a beautiful Goddess who can take on the world with a few beers in her system and one hand tied behind her back.
11) Watch that sexy Goddess kick this world's ass, coming out on top regardless of past errors.
12) Dive into slumber, carefully putting a thin layer of highly acidic acne cream on your face, then flossing and brushing and carefully placing one's retainer exactly where it belongs before you do so.
13) Lapse into a state of deep unconsciousness.
14) Awaken to know that you OWN this life, and it is what YOU make it, and what YOU want to make it can be anything in this world.
15) Give yourself a hug for being so damn positive every day. And then go back to sleep. Because everyone deserves fourteen hours of consecutive sleep now and then.


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Anonymous Jummy said...

I like the recovery plan! I am a goddess!

9:44 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Almost as good as my day.
1. Spend all day wrestling with headache and watching ds and dgs cleaning their room.
2. Finally reach for drugs at 5 pm.
3. Plan to sleep for 2 hours
4. Awake at 10:30pm thinking its about 6
5. Speak incoherently on phone.
6. Commence vacuuming. Yeah!!!!Always boost my spirits
7. Clean bathroom. Put out fresh candles.
8. Fire up the pepsi and the computer and 12:09am.
9. Life is good.

12:40 a.m.  

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