Sunday, March 09, 2008

Its a Cold and its a Broken Hallelujah....

So now comes the time to discuss my mental health status on the Internet once more.

For the last several weeks, or even months... who knows? Its hard to keep track of deadlines when one is struggling to roll their lazy ass out of bed in the morning. But regardless, for the last random period of time that has passed, I've been struggling within myself to keep going.

I have a desperate need to pinpoint the things that could be wrong with me, as though if I could put my finger on that one magic thing, I could make it disappear and go away for good. But the fact is, I don't know why I feel the way I do, but I feel that way, and I can't make it go away.

That's not to say that I haven't been managing. I've been managing quite well, thank you very much. I've been going to work, going to school, showering, brushing my teeth, and generally doing my best to be a hygenic, functioning, upright and sober member of this society.

I feel like I deserve applause here. I smell GOOD, DAMMIT, and that's a large statement considering how I've smelt in the past, what with my laying in bed for days and the not showering and the chain smoking and all that.

I wake up every day, and I force myself to roll out of bed. I then force myself to shower and put on clean clothing. Then its time to force my way downstairs, force myself to put on a pot of coffee, force myself to be pleasant at school or at work, force myself to do my school work...

Quite frankly, I'm tired of all the damn forcing. I'd like nothing more than to do what I did last year, to curl up into a ball and never move or switch positions unless it was time to pee or my back hurt. I'd like to pull the curtains down so my room is dark, and lay in my bed until a time comes when I feel like getting out of it again.

And then, when I think about it, I just feel angry. Like, why do I feel this desperate need to close myself off from every other sentient being and just lay-- for a long and quiet length of time? Why ME? What is so wrong with my life that I SHOULDN'T want to get out of bed in the morning?

I've done everything I can think of to help me get through this: I've taken up journaling; I've taken up finding time for me and only me; I've been reading trashy novels in an attempt to escape; I've been allowing myself special treats -- generally in the form of coffee-- because I 'deserve' those special treats; I've purchased name brand shampoo and body wash so that I smell pretty when I make my weary way into the world.

In short, I've done all the things those handy little self-help books have told me to do in order to maintain balance in my life, and the balance is just not there.

I am a firm believer in the chemical imbalance that plays a role in anxiety and depression. So, of course, my first thought is that I need a med switch, I need to change up the doses of Seratonin in my brain to make me balanced again. But the last time I did that, it nearly killed me, quite literally, and I'm not sure that I'm ready to go through that again.

In all honesty, I'd like to try a life of being medication-free. I'd like to slowly drop down in the massive amounts of anti-depressants I take in a day, so that there are no more foreign chemicals flowing through my bloodstream. Then, after six weeks or so of being med-free, I'd like to re-evaluate.

I have an appointment with the ever-wonderful Dr. Chuck this coming Wednesday, and I'd like to propose my idea to him. When I first started taking meds, he said it was a short-term thing. But with my ongoing issues, he slowly approached me with the idea of being on meds indefintely. I'm 23 frickin' years old, and dammit, I'm sick of depending on meds to make me normal. I'd like to learn what my issues are, specifically, and deal with them as best I can without pharmaceutical interference.

And that's what I'm going to tell him. Six years on meds, and I've done nothing but go in circles from fine to very, very not-fine.

The circles stop this Wednesday.

I'm apprehensive, but at the same time, I look forward to meeting a me without meds, to meeting a me who can perhaps cope with life the same way everyone else gets to. The normal way.

I need all the luck in the world.

Labels: ,


Anonymous Jummy said...

Well Amanda, what can I say? I know it's been a desire of yours to go off your medication and while I can appreciate not wanting to be "dependent" on chemical means of feeling "normal", I have mixed feelings about you undertaking this experiment now.

You're in school and you're working and I'm wondering maybe this isn't the best time to throw something like this into the mix. I know you can't wait to get that diploma and be done with college, and you have a job that requires you to be on the ball at all times so I wonder if the timing is wise.

Will you be able to schedule your life around the time that it might/will take to adjust to going off the medication? What about having people around to help you deal with potential side effects? Or, you may find that suddenly without much warning, you need a quiet place where you can explore feelings and emotions and take your time to come to grips with things. I worry that your current lifestyle does not allow for that.

Maybe I'm wrong though.

11:27 a.m.  
Blogger Leigh said...

Hi Amanda, I don't know if you are currently seeing a therapist I think that you should definitely see one if you aren't. It will help you out a lot since it will be working with your meds and if you decide to stop taking them at least you will have someone to work out the other things that contribute to your depression.

I totally understand your wanting to get off of your medication and be 'normal' because that is also my desire. However, it isn't a good idea at the moment.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide but make sure you give it some careful thought so you stay happy and healthy.

9:49 p.m.  

Post a Comment

<< Home