Wednesday, January 16, 2008


I received a call from Mal in the early hours of the morning today, to listen to the latest in her life. I was awake at almost three a.m., because that's what the Crazy people do, they STAY AWAKE. FOREVER. Amen.

Mal was talking about what makes life worthwhile, and I was trying to explain to her how I feel about it, how no one thing can make you want to keep going on, how it has to be something that is not concrete. That even if you change your surroundings and your last name and get yourself a cat and end up living in the Depths of Hell, happiness might not find you because Hey, you might not have been looking hard enough.

And really, it sounds so trite. It sounds so pathetic and ridiculous to say "Go out and sniff the sunshine, and then your heart shall fill to the brim with JOY." Trust me, if anyone had said that to me last fall, when my life had completely fallen to pieces and I was driven over the edge by everything that was going on with me? If someone had said that to me, I would have gouged out their eyes with a wine corker. No lies.

I was driving home tonight and it was particularly frosty out. When I got on the road that leads me to The Ranch, at first I saw a patrillion little animals in the ditches, because all I could see were what I thought were eyes.

And then I kept driving, cautiously, and I noticed that all the trees and growth were covered in a frozen bit of frost, so that the road that leads me home looked as though it was lined with diamonds.

And sometimes, when this life acts like a giant pile of smashed assholes, you have to see the little things and hope quietly to yourself that everything will be ok, simply because you have no other choice but to go forward.

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