Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The hideousness of feet...

I have a deep and ongoing hatred for feet, one that is seated deep within my soul. I can't say why for sure, but I suspect it has something to do with the long-standing delight my best friend takes in pointing out just how ugly my feet are. Or perhaps its just that feet are gross, and it has nothing to do with me.

I had to go to the fancy foot doctor today, because not only are my feet hideous, but they are hurty. All the time. They have calluses and nastiness and they take great pleasure in knowing that their life's mission is to make me cringe every time I stand up.

I've been worried of late about two of my toenails as well. As much as I hate accepting the fact that my feet are a part of my body, I do occasionally glance downward to see if anything new has transpired since I last inspected them. To my horror, a few weeks ago, I noticed odd-looking spots on two nails. Spots that I've never seen before in my life.

At first I chalked it up to an over-active imagination, but after thorough inspection from Dr. SuperNan, it seemed plain that there was an infection of sorts.

For days images of me screaming and writhing in agony as some doctor pried my gangrenous toenails from my body swirled in my head. I put them at bay with beer, of course.

So today, with much trepidation, sweat dripping off my brow, and the Hail Mary going through my head, I asked the Fancy Foot Doctor to examine my two strange toenails.

"Hm. Definitely not like the others. Taken any blows to your feet lately?"

"OH, yes! Tons of them! See, my parents bought me a lovely thoroughbred for my graduation present --I don't know why, but my nephew thinks he's a racehorse -- and he is the clumsiest fool you'll ever meet! Oh, but no, my nephew doesn't think he is the racehorse, he thinks the horse is the-"


"Right, well, the horse keeps on stepping on my feet, see, and he weighs like twelve hundred pounds. Well, maybe more, but you should see him, he is really so beautiful-"

"Yes, and the twelve hundred pound horse spends a large portion of his time dancing on your toes?"

"Oh, well, yes. He doesn't mean to though, he's just aloof like that. You know, a really laid back, easy going guy... So friendly in his stall, you woulnd't believe-"

"And now that he has commenced this toe-dancing, your toenails have changed in structure?


Oh, Zydo.

Labels: , ,


Post a Comment

<< Home