Saturday, February 24, 2007

The end of one life, and the beginning of another....

For years now, I've been involved in a romance of sorts. It's been a confusing one that no one has ever been able to understand when I explain it to them.

It hasn't been a steady thing. We both agreed that we would see other people and that we would each do our best to be without each other. But it was always one of those things where all my roads led to him; all his roads led to me. I suppose that the fact that we are quite literally millions of miles apart only complicates matters further.

I'm not sure what it was about me that he found so intriguing. I suppose it had to do with the fact that I've always had a very down to earth lifestyle: The farm girl who's never been on a plane, never seen the ocean, never seen the seven wonders. Until 2003, I'd never really been beyond CowTown for periods longer than three weeks at a time. I've never been exposed to the 'finer' things in life: I've never felt a need to search those out, probably because my parents have always strived to make sure that their children have all their needs and wants met with the best they can provide.

I haven't the foggiest as to what made me want to be with him. He was from a millionaire family, complete with property ownerships around the world, vacations I've never dreamed of, and a lifestyle that is as foreign to me as the languages he spoke. His passport looked like a stampbook, he's never driven an economy car, Wal-Mart shopping is completely foreign to him. He was handsome and aware of things that I've never known about. He was interesting; he drove fascinating cars and he wore clothes with names on them that I didn't know existed.

He always said that what he loved about me was the fact that I had a pure heart. I've no idea if I have a pure heart or not; I've no idea what defines a person's heart as being pure. I'd certainly love to have one of these pure hearts that God is so fond of but I'm afraid several parts of my personality preclude me from ever bearing one. He usually went on at this point to say how lucky I was to live a life uncomplicated by what accompanies immense wealth: the family dynamics, the politics, the unease that everyone feels upon mentioning it. I never grew up surrounded by any purple elephants and I suppose that in and of itself is something he always wanted to have.

This romance carried on long distance since he left for Dubai in the fall of 2003. We've kept in contact since then, seeing each other twice since he initially left, leaving us both confused as to what the next plan of attack is regarding whether or not being together is something worth persuing.

Last week it came to an end, and rather than spending my days crying into my pillows, I've been overwhelmed by a complete sense of calm and relief. The clashing of two cultures that would have come on by our being together was something that weighed on my mind constantly. Dating people, as we had agreed to do since we were so far apart, was always stressful because I felt that as long as I was still involved long-distance with this person was unfair to all parties involved.

My Dubai Guy is gone and I suppose there wasn't a better time for him to go: I'm in a place now that is secure without him or anyone else; I'm in a place where I can think clearly about the plans that I have for myself and the goals I have for my own life. I can be centred and focused and not have to worry about him flying in to shake me up again, to rattle my nerves and bring up feelings that should have been dead and buried a long, long time ago.

I love the overwhelming sense of freedom that I have to pursue my life without being tied down by whatever it was that defined the relationship we had. I certainly appreciate the times we shared together, and the memories made. In the end though, it is all about me once more and I am happy to say that I love being me, despite the struggles, tirals, and tribulations that this life feels the need to make me face.

It is this feeling that I have right now that makes me want to stand up and take over this world because when I feel like I do now, I feel like I can do anything; I could move mountains if the thought were to enter my head. I feel like my goals to become an expert berry farmer and a master candle craftsperson and an entrepreneur in the jam world aren't the goals of a silly little girl, but the feasable plans of someone with ideas in her head. I know that if losing what was once so incredibly important to me isn't enough to take me out, isn't enough to even knock me over for a day, then there isn't much in this world that can take me out.

Dubai Guy is gone for good; deleted from contacts and from phone lists, from saved messages and so forth, and the only thing I can think to do is play a good song on my favorite guitar and dance through my apartment like an idiot.

Freedom is a wonederful thing.




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