Saturday, August 19, 2006

And this is what it's come down to

Tardiness is one thing that I can't stand in my life.

You'll all remember the Boy of spring 2005? Surely you'll remember that lovable little foreign car-driving brown-eyed guy who was ALWAYS LATE. (And by late, I mean he'd call five hours after her was supposed to be somewhere to tell me he wouldn't make it after all. Sigh).

I'm sure you'll also remember the ensuing hives.

And SuperNan suggesting, ever so gently, that perhaps it had to do with the Boy? Or, even more gently, perhaps it had to do with the fact that I am a fucking crazy person.

Because he was ALWAYS late? I think I spent more time during the brief fling that was our dating time crying on the living room floor than I did actually dating him.

And I'm not making this up.

It was then that I realized that lateness, quite literally, makes me insane.

The same thing goes for changes in my plans. I've made plans TWICE this week and been fairly interested in pursuing those plans, and now TWICE they have been changed.

I only had the energy to lay in my new living room crying for an hour over one of those events, for those of you who are wondering. I take this as a good sign.

All this leads me to believe: Perhaps something is not right?

Perhaps having a near-nervous breakdown over... well, over nothing, is a sign that perhaps something is off with me?

Add to that the fact that I've been having nothing but incredibly disturbing dreams lately... crying at the drop of a hat... hating my life in general...

I'm the first to admit that I'm a hysterical person. I'm the first to admit that my emotional reactions to events should not be taken seriously by any person at any time: because, mostly these reactions have no bearing in real life.

It takes nothing to send me into a screaming fit of tears and sobbing that can last for hours. A simple look or an ill-timed comment from someone can have me running for the buck a beer faster than most mortals can say "Is she having another conniption fit over nothing?"

Disturbing dreams... crying at the drop of a hat... hating my life in general... You know, I try to keep upbeat over things. I try to not dwell on the fact that I don't want to be where I am; on the fact that I don't really like either of my jobs; that I'm spending thousands of dollars that I don't have on a degree that I don't particularly want.

But sometimes it all comes to a head and I need to sit and stew. I need to hate. I need to cry and be angry.

I'm in an incredible funk. I don't know what to do. I generally hate everything right now.

But it will pass. I'll be fine.

I always am.



Anonymous Jummy said...

Yes you will be (and that's not just a platitude). Whenever I see you you are always putting on a happy face and entertaining everyone so I guess you save the funks for when you're alone. That means you must go out more often then!

*hugs* (I thought you liked the second job...just missed the perks of working for the Berry Queen!)

12:36 p.m.  

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