I am preparing for Armageddon....

But only because Bruce Willis is so sexy. If my world had to be saved by anyone, I would like it to be saved by him. Or Noah Wyle. Or Kovach from ER. I don't even know the guy's real name. And I would have his babies tomorrow. Well, likely not, considering the amount of vomit and snotballs that come with infants.... but I do know that I love me some Kovach.

I'm preparing for Armageddon because I believe it is this world's time to end. I believe I have been getting signs from the Gods for weeks now.

Take my orange hair. I believe that was a sign from God to leave the Depths Of Hell ASAP. But no. I didn't listen. And now, for the last seven months, I've been taking icy cold showers altering with third degree burning showers in icky brown water, and the freshly cut off tips of my orange hair (that turned brown again after I cut them) have turned orange again.

Cute Boy tried to trick me by saying that is looks expensive, like as if I meant to dye only the tips of my hair a vibrant orange.

Because, you know, all the fashion models have orange hair tips these days.

Another sign of fast-approaching Armageddon is the number of cans of canned food I have in my cupboard. (That's right. I have cans and cans of canned food, as opposed to cans and cans of bottled food. It makes sense if, like me, you've just sat through three hours of the worst sociology classes anyone has ever sat through).

My mother bought me all these cans of canned food when I moved in. And as she said it, she explained that it was for times like Armageddon or, if I prefer, when I'm out of cash. Like an emergency stash of canned food.

Now, I don't know how many of you know my mother. Some people think she is kind of crazy. For example, she has this thing with pots and the table cloth. Not at the same time, of course. She generally goes crazy about her pots separately from when she goes crazy about her table cloth, but she routinely goes crazy about them nonetheless. For example, she would be willing to bat a precious, cute little kitten on the head is it stepped foot on her table cloth. A kitten! A precious, cute one! I digress....

My mother is also kind of psychic. She can call things. In the past, she has called that if I didn't hurry my sorry ass up, I would not get my projects done on time. She has called when and how people would produce offspring, and that I would regret getting hair cuts.

She is so good at calling things that I have quit asking her advice on some matters because I fear that her calling things actually results in her hypotheses coming true.

I did not ask her to call Armageddon, but she made the statement and now I'm pretty sure that it is on its way.

Further, I woke up today and it was snowing. If Snow in April doesn't make you want to implore the world to end on the spot, I don't know what does.

And finally, I believe that the world is ending because the Gods are really telling me to get out of Hell. For example, yesterday I was working my perfected bodily contortions to avoid the stream of water in the showers of Hell (I know, I know... you're not supposed to avoid the stream of water in the shower. The whole point is to immerse yourself into the stream of water. Hah. Clearly you've never showered in the Depths of Hell).

I had managed to wash my whole body. The whole thing! Head to toe, without suffering any third degree burns. (There were some second degree ones, but I've become immune to them and decided they don't count). (I know, most people don't see the cleansing of their entire persons as reason for celebration: Clearly, you people have never showered in the Depths of Hell). The water was only mildly painful, and I set in on rinsing my Dove Extra Creamy Intense Moisture Shampoo out of my ever so soft hair.

It was at this point, all soapy, naked, and kinda cold that the fire alarms for my entire building were set off.

Let me reiterate that for you:

Me.

Naked.

In Shower.

Not completely Rinsed.

Fire alarms going off.

I did what any sane person would do.

I figured that since it is not every day that a person gets a decent shower in the Depths of Hell, I made sure the door was locked and continued to rinse out my hair. I exited the shower on my terms, dammit.

And that is why I think Armageddon is imminent. My hair is orange, I have a lot of canned food in my cupboard, and there are large, loud, angry sirens telling me to exit.

I'm only a little scared.

Toonses