Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Hard decisions....

Zydeco has been a big topic of conversation in my house of late. Usually we discuss Zydeco's condition late at night, once the dogs are settled in bed and there are no people to interfere. Supper is done, the dishes are cleared away. I'm usually having a light, no-name beer and wearing a blank expression on my face.

These discussions are frank and without emotion. When my parents bought my horse for me, they knew as well as I did that he was arthritic. We knew we would probably only get two good years out of him. I know it is fortunate that I got three. The luckiest girl in the world, I am, because that horse gave me every ounce of everything he had in him.

And now I have to be fair to him because at this point, he is here for my sake. He is the one I pet and love, the one who greets me when I come home from work. He doesn't call to me the way Tia calls to my dad. He stands at the gate of his pasture and he looks at me with that Thoroughbred-y look on his face.

I was grooming him outside today in his pasture, going over him with his curry comb and his brush. I bought them as a matching set three years ago and I love my brushes despite the fact that they are too small and not very sturdy. But they are Royal Blue and Royal Blue is Zydeco's color.

I was grooming him furiously and cursing myself for all the times I didn't groom him. All the times when he should have been brushed and loved and instead I was too tired or too wrapped up in something else.

And now I'm thinking, there isn't enough time. There isn't enough time for me to make up all those other times. There isn't enough time for me to stand beside him and whisper the lyrics of Serena Ryder's song "Weak in the Knees" in his ears.

Zydeco and I are having portraits done this coming week. I want shots of us together, doing what we do best: Just existing. Me and him, him and me...

I'm just focusing on the positive right now. Looking up at the red ribbons that adorn my kitchen and thinking how he got me those ribbons, how he took me further then I ever thought possible.

Positive. That's me!

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2 Comments:

Blogger Annette said...

I understand what you're going through. My sweet Jenny left this earth in December of 1996. No horse will ever fill that void. I've had good rides and bad rides since then, but I'd still take the worst ride possible on Jenny over the best ride on any other horse any day, any time. Not long ago I had a dream that I was riding Jenny. It was so vivid, I could feel her heavenly trot. I could feel and see every hair in her chestnut coat (I guess I dream in HD). When I awoke, I wept, even after all these years.

Good luck with those decisions. And remember how blessed you are to have had a horse like Zydeco in your life.

10:30 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Thank you for sharing with me, Annette! My motto is that some believe in one true love, but I believe in one true horse! This is so hard for me but I am really focussing on those magical days when it was just him and me, the open field or the dressage ring really just doing our thing.

I'll miss our partnership the most: I really feel like this guy knows me and I know him. It somes in so handy with a timid rider like myself!

I think all of us who have been touched by that one horse are truly blessed because it adds an element to your life you wouldn't otherwise have.

11:59 PM  

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