Grad Photos

I had my graduation photos done a few months ago, and due to my complete and utter incompetence, I forgot to order them until the very last moment. Fortunately, my mother has had quite a bit of practice over the last twenty-two years in learning to accept that I can not, under any circumstances, ever remember anything that is important, even if it is a matter of life and death. SuperNan was in fine spirits and we managed to find the obscure location of the photo place on another university campus, a campus that was like an actual campus and where the people ALL SPOKE TO ME IN ENGLISH. It was the most amazing experience of my life, the ten minutes I spent on that campus, and I'd much rather go to their grad ceremony than mine.

It is tradition in our town to put an ad in the local paper upon a child's graduation. My family is a little bit stumped as to what, exactly, they should write in the paper for their announcement. My mother thought that something along the lines of this would be perfect: It is with great relief that we announce the graduation of our daughter from university. It only took three years, two hundred and eighty six hysterical phone calls (But really, who’s counting) and one month being completely sedated to get her through this. Now that she is educated, she has moved home to aspire to fruit-farming glory, which has nothing to do with Sociology, and no, we don’t understand her either.

I was thinking something along the lines of: She is finally done! After three years, our daughter has learned the fine art of consuming more beer than should be humanly possible in one sitting, AND she can do it without throwing up! We’re so proud of you, Honey! On top of that, she can live on a food budget of twenty dollars for a month, go without safe drinking water for two years, call 911 every time gunshots are fired outside her bedroom window, AND ride a bus without getting mugged! She will now be moving on to avoid city life like it is some kind of plague, and hopefully will become successful in fruit farming. If not, her parents will be stuck with her forever, a task they are sure to take on with pleasure.

Decisions, decisions.